Johnny Lee’s song, “Lookin’ for Love” was the number one country song for three weeks in 1980. I was 7 years old. Who would have known back then that it would be my theme song today? Just thinking about it I start to hear the melody in my head and unknowingly, I start tapping my toes to the rhythm. “I was lookin' for love in all the wrong places, Lookin' for love in too many faces, searchin' their eyes and lookin' for traces of what I'm dreamin' of”. That’s my journey. I have been looking for love all my life. In my early 20’s I was hell bent on finding love, finding my purpose, discovering the meaning of life, happiness and contentment. I wouldn’t say I was desperate. Rather, I would say I was determined. I believed it was out there… somewhere… and I was going to find it one way or another. Let’s lay out some ground rules and make a few things clear before we get going. I am still looking. I have learned this will be a lifelong pursuit.

The story I am writing about today is one of many in my pursuit to find love. I have looked to people, places, things and even God and I am still looking. Have I failed… no, I just haven’t found whatever the hell it is I am looking for. Have I taken wrong paths, maybe done some things I wish I hadn’t, YES! Nobody really wants to admit that they have failed, messed things up or destroyed a good thing by their choices. They don’t want to accept that feelings, troubles, challenges, failures and victories are the normal, for everyone. We all breathe air and depend on gravity to keep us stationed on the earth. We may look different, grow up in different neighborhoods, have different socio-economic status, live without a worry or live worrying where our next meal may come from, live in fear or live every day in a state of boredom, either way we all have a desire to belong, be loved and have purpose. You may never say this out loud or take it out of the compartment you have so neatly stored it away in, but I believe it is in all of us to want to belong and have a purpose. It is simply part of being human.

I am the living embodiment of “doing awkward well”. I have done some great things in my life and some really, really stupid things. However, I own them all and carry each choice, each memory with me every day. I still keep going and walking through the good and the bad trying to find my contentment. I no doubt, have made this pursuit a little more complicated than maybe it should be, but as I said, “I do awkward well”. I have done some things in what some would say is, um, unusual but that is ok because I have learned to accept them in a not such an ordinary way. There are many different factors that have played a part in my experiences. Poverty, abuse, ignorance, a lack of understanding, fear, pain, emptiness and love, yes, even love. At times I will indulge in language that is unsavory, stories that may seem a little too bitter and opinions about people and places that come across as ugly and rude but, they are true to how I was at the time even though they may not reflect who I am today. They are awkward to admit, but true to my form. I have learned to walk through the shit, as stinky, messy and inappropriate as it is, I will walk through it, unashamed to get to the other side if I feel it is necessary. These experiences all changed me and made me who I am today, ugly or not, they are what they are and I cannot change them, I can only live with them and accept them as truth in my life and hopefully grow from them and learn to be a little more content with who “I am” in spite of what those experienced may express to people and form in their mind what they think I am or should be. So with all of that being said, be mindful of the fact that, “I do awkward well”. Some may find my language and my blatant sharing to be a little uncomfortable.